Continuing my excellent and informative travel series with: Things I Learned in the Lake District
1. At 931m, Skiddaw is the 4th highest mountain in England which is very high when you have short legs.
2. A ham sandwich tastes much better eaten at the top of Skiddaw than it does, say, in a car park at the bottom.
3. In the Lake District Broadband is a mythical beast much like the Loch Ness Monster or dragons.
4. It is a ten-mile walk around the circumference of Derwent Water which is also a long way when you have short legs.
5. The further you walk the proportionately larger the cake you must eat in the tearoom at the end becomes.
6. There is no such thing as a Cumbrian Cream Tea. It’s a Cream Tea. End of. Suck it up Dorset, Devon and Cornwall.
7. Wordsworth had two houses because being a poet was like being a rock star in those days and they were fabulously wealthy and glamorous.
8. The BBC Weather forecast is a work of pure fantasy. (NB: This also applies to any part of the country.)
9. It is possible to buy any item of clothing in Keswick that your heart desires as long as it is fleece-based.
10. Booths is the Supermarket of Dreams and must be visited at least twice daily where it will hypnotise you with its loveliness.
11. An osprey looks very much like a seagull.
12. No matter how far you walk and how high you climb, you will never burn enough calories to come back slimmer than when you went.
(NB: see note re cake.)
13. It has a lots more hills and a lot less John Lewis stores than the Costa del Keynes.
14. Everyone should go to Temporary Measure, a most excellent, quirky knitting emporium and tearoom at the bottom of the main street in Keswick.
15. Harold’s Tyres in Penrith is a fine place to have a puncture repaired.
16. Canoeing is a deeply unpleasant experience that may lead to divorce and/or death and should be avoided at all costs.
17. Putting your bare feet into that enticing mountain stream may cause much pain and regret.
18. If there is dead sheep in the water, then it is best to avoid drinking it.
19. The Dog and Gun pub in Keswick contains a lot of dogs, but not a lot of guns.
20. A man in a yellow kagool and lavender spotted gardening gloves is never going to be taken seriously as a walker. (Yes, you Lovely Kev)
21. Keswick is the centre of the known universe.
22. It costs £1 to park in Booth’s car park, but if you spend £5 in the store you get it back and it’s very conveniently located.
23. Chesters in Skelwith Bridge has the best cakes in the Lake District, but a somewhat inadequate car park.
24. Everyone says hello to you and lets you pet their dog. Everyone will tell you that it was gloriously sunny last week.
25. Everyone will also say, ‘The summit is just around the next bend’ followed by ‘Ha, ha, ha.’
26. I bloody hate scree! This also encompasses loose gravel and shale.
27. Beatrix Potter’s House is right in the middle of nowhere.
28. ‘Soft’ rain in the Lake District is the same and ‘sheeting it down’ or ‘horizontal’ in the rest of the world.
29. If you are in a holiday cottage with Sky TV the urge to watch Game of Thrones will be insurmountable.
30. Once you have been to the Lake District you will want to return there every year for the rest of your life.